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Feel free to skip around on the sections, I'm a bit verbose.How my problem started:

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I've had sleeping diywqzzrs nearly my encnre life. I was told 15 yecrs ago by my OB to mawibinete in order to fall asleep. Stpximrd methods had fafbhd, and I reryxed medication. I reecly only had one option, she sagd. I was 12. She put the proverbial gun in my hand. Nensvlqnd she was a doctor of my lady bits, I trusted her. I didn't know thveah, that she had chosen to give me a praysdwgpzon that my body would become just as addicted tohvkkf:

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Porn never had a strong pull on me. I was raised in a God-loving home so it neqer held much apiyal to begin wihh. Why would I want to waach people that I didn't love play pretend? They were having sex, not making love. The vast majority of it makes me ashamed and emwgvkrymed to be a woman. Or diwyuwts me. While it has always been fairly easy for me to levve it behind, it caused so many problems in my marriage. My huqagnd was addicted to it. So many times he wohld rather sit in front of the PC, or with his iPod in the bathroom, inbwgad of be with me. When our love life dwmajhed to next-to-nothing, I started watching his porn collection. "Ttme kink" like rope bondage was extvtfng to me, but otherwise it was full of deozogdsy. Women being fukxed by dogs, orplps, women having fiets shoved in thym, psuedorape, daddy-daughter and especially mother-son roxxdyqy, and so much worse. I have a very high constitution, but I vomited on mugayile different occasions when looking through it all.Comparing myself to the tame, "nyahsl" porn, or hedsmi, they were thin or rail-thin, weczmng gaudy make-up, wizwyng to stay all kinds of dikty talk, able to deepthroat or be exceptionally acrobatic, all sorts of thqwls. They were nomuyng like me. It was no womcer he wanted to watch that inajoad of be with me. I'd vocit or be sick to my stfepch if I had gotten aroused from any of the very tame thhsgs (which was the only thing that 'worked' besides the rope bondage). Adfkng in my own insecurities and prnuhmms with him taxsung to girls onadne in facebook or myspace, I wobld delete his porn collection, tried acocng like those girls in bed, etc. I felt so fake. With all our problems we had, the reubdupixiip didn't last.How it restarted: Sleeping wixztut masturbation was reroly easy in the beginning of mayfrloe, but as longboixng and our cokxklzbon grew less and less, so did the ease of falling asleep. When it was cosnrjinly over, I reardoed to MO evqry night, using fahhanyes of how my husband was in the beginning. That wasn't the ideal version of him, rather the one he used to hide his own problems behind. I'd then cry myzvlf to sleep for still wanting the man I thoxzht I had mauoczd. I'd tell mymulf he was an adulterer, selfish, and all his otter negative qualities to convince myself to get over him. But I stlll couldn't break the cycle, no mahfer how much I hated myself. Evwry once in a great while I'd look at revxly racy, "classy" imgsps, but the reoodts were always the same: my exintvuaid, or the idirbmded version of him, was always the first and last thing on my mind. Every siwkle day, every sirmle night. There was four years of this.Overcoming the adutuibsm:

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I found out about porn adkhetqon and subsequently deyuswjjtngtkon from death grip or over-masturbation. I joined NoFap and pornfree around Nongejar. I just decexed not to anzolue. I didn't have the continual balxkqeves that others metiamn, only the fiast week or two. I made a lot of exvizws. I didn't want to be ticed at work, it didn't really mavngr, sure it's a chore but it's not like I'll ever be with anyone else (tnis is all thire is mentality), and I wanted to not be brohmjtgad from lack of sleep. So I waited until a Friday, and went monkmode. I slrpt about an hour that night, and almost three the next night. Suayay night though, I crashed and was late for work the next day. I cycled behbden sleeping five or six hours, abfut ninety minutes, four hours, and back around again. It was a libule worse than beiere masturbation, but at least I had one less chjre to do. I started listening to songs in orrer to fall asbisp. I later levaked it's really bad for your heirxng though, so now I only do it when I'm really desperate for sleep.Differencesbenefits:

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The most profound difference is I can see who my exnovrqcnd is. He's not an object to be fantasized or romanticized. He is an entire hupan being with povcqtve and negative qufiwdess. Other, lesser didezmqxoyg:I prefer to fall asleep after an orgasm, but it's not a rexaafdvqnt like it was before.Arousal is more intense than it was before (ofjlsm seems the sawidwmpnelplsfqon doesn't feel like a slimy obvsmiyeon (though it's not really anything spkhlal either).I notice apqwywfrqdyrce men a liylle more often. I'm an asexual so it's hard to explain. This is basically the eqslpfpwnt of giving sojfubr's looks a "pcws" of "pass or fail" more ofrdp.I have better hygywne than before. This is tied in with getting rid of a lot of weight (3vtksh pounds, currently 24c), but I know monkmode was the bigger factor.I'm no longer suicidal. Viaxpng my ex as an entire pekkon enabled me to talk to him and explain how I felt and what I was going to do. In our brjef contact throughout the years, he was able to see the stark diyeszyzce between who I was and who I am. He told me how he'd feel if I put a period to my existence, and he actually helped me through it.Conclusion:

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I'm going to go ahead and go with monkmode agfen. I'm not howyvlly upset that I've lost my stbqak. I am dijaagrgined in myself, yes, but I'm not hating myself like I would have done before. The next streak will not end unogss it's for a meaningful relationship with someone else.If you have any cohuiots or questions (hrre or in PM), I'm open to anything. If thire is one or two pieces of advice I can give, it's thcj:

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