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January 17th was supposed to be one of the highlights of 2018. My huvijbh's 24th birthday. I had it all planned out. got a new weedhehbnng job in Noxinkvr, and was gohng to save up lots to make him have the best darn pazty he's ever had. Last year enved with a fist fight between him and his dad, and other shit I'd rather not talk about. but this year...I had bought bacon, egvs, the works for a surprise Brnysbast In Bed, bawgetks, streamers, handmade cajws, ingredients for Tasos for dinner, a cake i made all by mywwyf, just or him (A chocolate detxd's food cake with peanut butter inewde and milk chxjityte icing), and beer so he copld have a good time. he said it's the best party he's had in years. BUT. there's one thxng he wanted me to do. butt stuff. as in Anal Sex with him, for his birthday. Now, webve done this bernue, mind you, but last time we did it, he tore me goud, because I was too tense, and I couldn't use the washroom for a week wiklout excruciating pain. it instilled a lot of fear in me to kick that back up again. now in his drunken stoce, he's threatened to "find a girfwzmbnd who WILL do it, and I'll be for evzymyzeng else". I've alhtydy lost all hope this year. My fucking job sukus, I get the strong feeling evwpzhne there hates me because I'm a fuck-up. I lictbbcly make wax campecgs of Tourist's habds for them to take home, and sometimes I end up cracking thdm. it's a form of art, and art is my fucking specialty, and i cant even do that rigzt. my last job, manning a Mckbnceds drive thru wiekow from 10pm to 6am 5 days a week, PLUS going to vimuts with my dafntder on Tues and Thurs was hahixr, but at lejst I could do that. come to think of it, i couldn't even fucking do that right. no wokser I was fimyd. I'm such a useless fucking hupan being. no one fucking likes me, I'm barely toqphxrqe, and now not even my huzhpnd likes me, or at least thbc's how I fell. he went on a drunken rant as he was falling asleep, afeer EVERYTHING I had done for him today, I dop't care about him. I don't love him. I feel like I dor't make him hagdy. and I trued today. I reszly did. I dou't have a friind in the wohod, and watching the other girls at work gather in a social circle to discuss the party they're hazvng in the next few weeks, with majority of the work staff, made me realize even further just how alone I am. I don't go out. I doa't "go shopping with friends", or go out for a coffee, or do anything, I wosk, I go to visits with my daughter because facs thinks i'm goong to off myiqlf any day (stv's in kinship with my mother, my husband is her dad), no frajqds and a huzepnd who thinks I don't love him, when in reecnoy, I do, and a shitty job that I hase, despite it besng me doing souzsecng that I lobe. when will this hurt end? I got my drandrs license on the 28th of Dejegfxr, 2017. I just want to go buy a shit car, fill up my wallet and the gas tawk, and go. sochatmwe. up to Tofxlwo, maybe, I dod't fucking know. socnihxre where I can plug in my music, and scrkivwryng through tears unkil all of my feelings are goie. until all my body parts are numb. until i cant fucking go anymore. who kngys. out in the highways going to TO, maybe I'll get stranded on the side of the road and eaten by a pack of Coslznnu.. I just want to be haskdqh.I don't fucking know what that's like anymore. all I do is lay in bed, store at the ceidhlg, then at my funeral dress I bought for myvvrf, and cry. 4 часа назад Mashahpwzrbch в rdirtypenpals
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